Scene 1: The Trouble With Swallows[opening music] Show [wind] [clop clop clop] ARTHUR: Whoa there! [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. SOLDIER #1: What, ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconut? ARTHUR: We found them. SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. SOLDIER #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut. ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. SOLDIER #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! SOLDIER #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! SOLDIER #1: But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah. SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?
Orson Welles: The devastation is incredible! They're grinding up the bodies of human beings! Sound technician: (uses a wisp to grind up cornflakes) Orson Welles: Now they're riding horses in the rain! Sound technician: (clacks coconut halves against a wooden board while pouring water into a tray) Orson Welles: Now they're playing the xylophone while bowling near an airport. Sound technician: (holds up sign reading "Screw you" and leaves) Confession time: I saw the Holy Grail movie on TV, alone, at night, without having seen the title or knowing anything about it. Hell, I'd never heard of Monty Python. So I was a history buff, switching channels, got to PBS, and saw the opening moment: "ENGLAND, 932 A.D." "This will be good," I thought, anticipating a documentary. A knight was approaching to the sound of hoof beats. As he rose into view over the slight curve of the hill, there was no horse. Seconds later the coconuts cilp-clopped into view. Madness, utter madness! One of the funniest and most educational nights of my life. How to make coconuts like the ones used in Monty Python and the Holy Grail Step 2: Draining the FluidsFirst, take the Hammer and nail. Next, find an eye of the coconut, and using the hammer, Step 3: Opening the CoconutAfter draining most of the juice out of the coconut, decide what is about halfway on your Step 4: Cleaning the CoconutIf you pl an to eat you coconut, rinse it out under the sink, then using a knife, Step 5:After you coconut has been stripped of all of its meat, forming a steady rhythm, take the Be the First to ShareRecommendationsHow could a 5 ounce bird carry a 1 pound coconut?First, it's suggested that a typical European swallow weighs 5 ounces and must beat its wings 43 times per second in order to maintain airspeed velocity. This is given as evidence that the bird could not, in fact, carry a 1-pound coconut.
Can a swallow carry a coconut quote?A swallow carrying a coconut? King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk! Guard: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios!
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Monty python and the holy grail coconuts
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