Fathers day gift for ex husband

“Help! The ex bought my husband a Father’s Day gift. She says it’s from the kids, but it is obviously something she picked out. I feel like she’s undermining me as his new wife, and I’m not okay with it. What can I do?”

Shared parenting post-divorce can get tricky around holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, and I find that my inbox is inundated with various versions of this question in June. So, let’s chat.

When the Ex-Wife Buys your Partner a Father’s Day Gift

It can be really annoying, at best— and infuriating and offensive at worst—when the ex-wife goes behind your back to purchase your husband a Father’s Day gift. Doesn’t she know you’re fully capable of purchasing him a gift from the kids? She should recognize you’re in the picture now and that what has always been is no longer the status quo. Times are changing, and if you want to purchase a Father’s Day gift with your stepchildren, you should be able to do that.

I understand why you’re upset. It can seem like a Father’s Day gift purchased by the ex is a physical representation of the family they had before you. A physical representation of your husband’s ex-wife still having a say in your life. It can feel like a punch in the gut, and if you’re reading this, it has likely crossed a boundary of yours.

There are a few different reasons why she might be purchasing him a Father’s Day gift, and there’s a polite way to both handle it in the moment and to correct for the future. 

Why does the Ex-Wife buy him a Father’s Day Gift?

When a coaching client tells me she’s upset about a situation in her shared parenting life, I remind her to process internally first before reacting or responding to the situation.

It can help tremendously to work through an empathy exercise. We seek to understand why the ex-wife did so we can comprehend her intentions. The stepmom will often come to the conclusion the ex’s intentions were pure. Even if she had malintent, it can still be helpful to understand why she acted the way she did.

Let’s start with the darkest of the three most common reasons moms buy gifts for their ex-husbands: 

They want to spite the stepmom. I won’t pretend it doesn’t happen, because it certainly does. But usually, it’s not about you at all.

The ex was responsible for purchasing the Father’s Day gift from the kids when she was married to your now-partner. She has gotten in that habit and continues to do so. She likely hasn’t even thought of you or how it could overstep your boundaries. As stepmoms, we tend to think about the ex much more frequently than she thinks about us. It’s important to recognize this simple ignorance as a possibility

It’s also important to note that divorced mothers often continue to buy Father’s Day gifts for their ex-partners because the kids asked her to. Your stepdaughter might have passed by a mug at the store and said, “This would be perfect for Dad! Can we buy it for him for Father’s Day?” and the ex-wife didn’t think to or feel comfortable telling her daughter no and to ask you to purchase it instead. Do you see how that could put her in a weird place?

No matter the reason, a gift was purchased, and it’s important to respond in a healthy way.

How to Respond in the Moment

When your stepchildren (or the ex-wife) present your husband with his Father’s Day gift purchased in their other home, do your best not to react in the moment. Your stepchildren are excited to present their dad with a gift, whether it was their idea or not. 

Reacting in the moment against their mom can only work against you. The mood will shift from excited to tense and awkward. Your stepchildren will feel deflated and uncomfortable. Loyalty binds are at play here, so it’s important to proceed cautiously. Your stepchildren want to celebrate their dad and protect their mom, and there’s nothing wrong with this scenario from their perspective. 

Respect their position in all of this, and don’t make the moment about you.

How to Set Boundaries for the Future

If this situation truly makes you uncomfortable, speak up to your partner later when you’re alone. Don’t live in awkward silence for the rest of eternity because you don’t want to rock the boat. Your peace matters just as much as the comfort of anyone else in your family.

We can get caught up in “I don’t want to make my husband feel uncomfortable or like I don’t think he deserves to be celebrated” or “I’m not sure if I can have a say in all of this.” But the reality is, your partner wants you to feel loved, respected, and protected. If this scenario is impeding his ability to make that happen for you, he wants to know. Your husband can’t fix a problem he doesn’t know exists.

Discuss how the situation makes you feel, and work with him to respectfully set boundaries with the ex-wife for the future.

It’s entirely possible to have a successful co-parenting relationship where the exes do not purchase gifts for each other. It’s perfectly natural to set and enforce boundaries. Don’t be afraid of the consequences of speaking up or making changes to the way things have always been done. The reality is, life is different today. They’re no longer married. He is remarried. Things should be different.

If you’re frustrated the ex bought your husband a Father’s Day gift, seek to understand the motivation behind the action and how it may be disconnected from you. Respond politely, don’t make the moment about you, and address how you’re feeling behind closed doors after the fact. Speak up for your place in your family and stand confidently behind your value and your equal value to the rest of your family. You’ll be a happier, healthier stepmom because of it.

Kristen Skiles is a certified life coach and the founder of stepmomming.com, an online platform dedicated to providing comfort and guidance to overwhelmed stepmoms by giving them the tools and inspiration they need to overcome insecurities and discontentment.

Kristen is married with a 10-year-old stepdaughter. She has overcome insecurities as her husband’s second wife, learned a million lessons the hard way as a stepparent, and been on a roller coaster ride with shared parenting. Kristen grew up as a stepchild with a strict and very involved stepdad and one long-distance dad and a few different stepmoms over the years. Couple that experience with the fact she was business partners and lived with her stepdaughter’s mom for a season, and it’s safe to say, she offers a unique perspective!

Kristen specializes in childless stepmom struggles, second wife insecurities, life as a child of divorce, co-parenting, and stepfamily finance and budgeting. She has been featured on TODAY, StepMom Magazine, Stepparent Magazine, and Scary Mommy.

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