Jokes on you i can t read

Some bad jokes only deserve eye rolls and groans. But somehow, these manage to still be funny.

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Bad jokes that are actually pretty good

Ah, bad jokes. They’re little guilty pleasures we indulge in with giddy enthusiasm every chance we get. They make us groan, say “Are you serious?”, and, of course, make us chuckle. Bad jokes can be short, corny, punny, and deliver some of the best one-liners ever. What’s not to love?

If you’re a sucker for a good bad joke, you’re in luck. Below, you’ll find a list of our funniest jokes that just so happen to pack groan-worthy punchlines. Enjoy!

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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting c–

MOO!

We had to start off this collection of bad jokes with one of the oldest knock-knock jokes in the book.

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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way. These hilarious animal cartoons prove that animals are funnier than humans.

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Two muffins were sitting in an oven.

One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!” For more laughs, check out these travel cartoons that find the funny in everything.

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I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust. If this one has you smirking, these dad jokes will really give you a chuckle.

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What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

1forrest1.

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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize.

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Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

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What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?

They’re both purple except for the rabbit. This joke made be bad, but these other “what’s the difference between” jokes are hilarious!

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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.” Here are some funny one-liners that are sure to get some laughs.

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I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant. Read more elephant jokes that are a ton of laughs!

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What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks.

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta. If you thought this was funny, you’ll love these other hilarious what do you call jokes.

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Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed some space.

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An in-vest-igator.

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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality. Thought that was good? You’ll love these tea puns!

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A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

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The wedding was so beautiful.

Even the cake was in tiers.

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Why don’t dinosaurs talk?

Because they’re dead. Don’t forget to check out these dinosaur jokes for more laughs!

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Get it?

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What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

“Supplies!”

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It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.

It’s a faux pa.

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What did the buffalo say when his son left?

Bison!

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My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that, but it’s also terrible.

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

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What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

“Oops!” If biology is more your thing, check out these biology jokes that really cell themselves.

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Three fish are in a tank.

One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

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What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

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What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil.

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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.

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I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

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Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “With your eyes.”

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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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Have you heard the rumor about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.

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I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. 

Sadly, no pun in ten did. 

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RIP, boiled water. 

You will be mist. 

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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? 

Phillipe Floppe. 

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eBay is so useless. 

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches. 

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Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? 

Joke, joke, jooooooooooooooke. We can all relate to these funny working from home cartoons right now.

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I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. 

I call it my trail mix. 

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What do you do if you see a fireman? 

Put it out, man! 

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That’s a pretty good ceiling.

It’s not the best, but it’s up there! 

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I wrote a song about a tortilla. 

Actually, it’s more of a wrap. 

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 

It’s ok, he woke up. 

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? 

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 

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Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees? 

Because they’re pretty good at it. 

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You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet? 

They’re a cover band. 

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What do you call a crocodile that is also a detective? 

An investi-gator. 

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The only thing flat earthers have to fear...

…is sphere itself. 

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Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense. 

What are you talking about, they all make scents!

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Where did Noah keep his bees? 

In the Ark Hives. 

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What genre are national anthems? 

Country. 

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I hate Russian dolls. 

They’re so full of themselves. 

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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 

“That’s one too many!” says the customer. The clerk replies “It’s a freebie.” 

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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. 

You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes. 

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Did you adopt your dog? 

No, he’s my biological dog. Check out these other dog jokes that are pawsitively hilarious. 

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I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room. 

They said, “Thank you.” I said, “Don’t mention it.” 

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A limbo champ walks into a bar. 

He loses. 

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When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees 

Sycamore 

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How do you make holy water? 

You boil the hell out of it. 

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What did the frustrated cat say? 

Are you kitten me right meow? Cat hiss ridiculous. 

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When does a joke become a dad joke? 

When it becomes apparent. 

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The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. 

They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge. I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though. 

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I got fired from my job at the bank today. 

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. 

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My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces. Not to throw more numbers at you, but we have 50 jokes here for all 50 states.

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Why are there so many different kinds of pasta? 

If I had a penne for every time I asked myself this question. 

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What did The Rock say when the waiter offered him a box for his leftovers? 

I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it. 

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Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident? 

To the I.C.U. 

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Nurse: Blood type? 

Dad: Red. By the way, you’ll love these nurse jokes that are RN-believably funny. 

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A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. 

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, “20! 20! 20!” Here are the best jokes from A-Z!

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I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married. 

The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing. 

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What do you call a magician who lost their magic? 

Ian. 

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Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? 

They always take things literally. 

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What do you call a blind dinosaur? 

A do-you-think-he-saurus. 

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I had a chip implanted in my body. 

It was a Cool Ranch Dorito. Yum! 

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Why is Peter Pan always flying? 

He neverlands. We love this joke because it never grows old. 

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To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart. 

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking. 

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What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them?

NNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! 

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A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?” 

“Pop,” goes the weasel. 

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Today I gave my dead batteries away.

They were free of charge.

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Why do ghosts love elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

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Five guys walk into a bar.

You think one of them would’ve seen it.

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Who are caterpillars’ biggest enemies?

Dogerpillars.

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Why do you tell actors to break a leg?

Every play has a cast.

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What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was.

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Someone stole my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

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What kind of dogs love car racing?

Lap dogs.

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My favorite word is “drool.”

It just rolls off the tongue.

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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it.

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What do you call birds who stick together?

Vel-crows.

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I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.

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Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?

The meatball.

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What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk. If you thought this was funny, you’ll love our other cow jokes!

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This library has two stories.

Can hardly call it a library.

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I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.

Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

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How does your feline shop?

By reading a catalog.

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What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

Satisfactory.

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What do you call a dangerous sun shower?

A rain of terror.

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What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?

Corny.

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?

Its butt. Oop! Try these political jokes on for size at your next family holiday—they’re guaranteed to get you a laugh.

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What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad.

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I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

Never again.

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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

“Robin, get in the car.”

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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

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My friend gave me his Epi–Pen as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it. Read these best friend tweets for more laughs.

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Have you heard of Murphy’s Law? Ok, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly-sliced cabbage.

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Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but just didn’t talk about it?

John 12:49: “For I did not speak of my own accord.”

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How do you talk to Italian ghosts?

With a Luigi board.

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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana. Don’t forget to bookmark these fruit puns that are berry funny!

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Two cows are grazing in a field. One says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

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What’s E.T. short for?

He’s only got little legs. Science lovers will science-love these physics jokes!

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Two men meet on opposites sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me to get to the other side!”

The other guy shouts, “You are on the other side!”

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Safety. Safety always comes first. In the case of these hilarious egg puns, the egg always comes first.

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This is your captain speaking.

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

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Coroner died.

Still went to work. If you thought that was funny, you’ll love these work from home jokes.

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Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

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I bought a dog from a locksmith.

The second I got him in the house he made a bolt for the door.

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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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What do you call bears with no ears?

B.

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What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

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What did the swordfish say to the marlin?

You’re lookin’ sharp.

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What kind of ghost has the best hearing?

The eeriest. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you’re probably a genius.

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Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

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How do you stop a bull from charging?

Cancel its credit card.

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What was the frog’s job at the hotel?

Bellhop.

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Why are the Irish so wealthy?

Their capital is Dublin.

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What kind of shoes do robbers wear?

Sneakers.

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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.

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Why are frogs so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

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What do you call banana peel shoes?

Slippers.

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie. Cheese is classic joke fodder. Here are 17 classic light bulb jokes that’ll make you sound smart.

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Why were they called the Dark Ages?

There were lots of knights. If you have more of a twisted sense of humor, these dark jokes are for you.

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My boss just texted me,

“Send me one of your funny jokes!”

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Want to hear a roof joke?

This one’s on the house.

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What kind of pants does Mario wear?

Denim, denim, denim.

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Where does the general keep his armies?

In his sleevies. This joke is very cuties. Here are 9 secrets to telling a great joke, according to comedians.

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How does the squid go into battle?

Well-armed.

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I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m ok.

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Do you use your right hand to stir your coffee?

I use a spoon. Check out these relatable tweets for more laughs.

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You’re not completely useless.

You can always serve as a bad example. By the way, we’re serving up these ice cream puns just for you—check them out!

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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? 

Same middle name.  Here are 15 simple (and silly) April Fool’s jokes to play on your kids.

Originally Published: January 19, 2022