There is all sorts of etiquette to follow when it comes to wedding invitations. Sometimes, it gets pretty delicate, like when we're dealing with a death. For example, a widow who lost her husband.
Addressing a wedding invitation to a widow should be handled with care. It’s easy to be worried that you’ll say the wrong thing and be hurtful or offensive. But to help you, there are some pretty straightforward guidelines to abide by.
While a lot of the "rules" will vary depending on what the widow is comfortable with, and what your relationship with them may be, before weighing whether to use Mrs. or Ms., consider these tips.
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1. Use a full, proper name
Much like other sorts of wedding invitations, a full and proper name is always a safe bet when addressing a piece of mail to anyone.
Says entertaining and etiquette expert Brenda Cascio of GB Design House, “Traditionally, you write her married name — i.e., Mrs. John Smith. However, she may prefer her own name — i.e., Mrs. Jane Smith.”
2. Call and ask
To avoid offending someone, call the person in question and just ask her. She will appreciate the effort to make her more comfortable at the wedding, and as this is a pretty sensitive issue (and also a sensitive time if the loss is recent), that's a very important consideration.
If you aren't close enough to her to ask her this question, you may also need to question why you are inviting her to your wedding in the first place.
3. It also matters who the mail is coming from
There's also an old adage to the effect of taking something from whom it comes, and this is the case here. It’s possible that a widow may prefer different forms of her name depending on what the occasion is, and who the mail is coming from.
For a wedding invitation from a bride who knew her husband, she might prefer Mrs., but from someone who did not know her husband, she might prefer Ms. The best course of action is to just ask.
4. There's a general rule
If you want a general rule of thumb, it does exist: A widow should be addressed as Mrs. unless the couple feels she would feel uncomfortable. “If there is any hesitation one way or the other, the couple absolutely should ask her directly,” advises Danielle Rothweiler of Rothweiler Event Design.
5. Keep this in mind
The same rules apply for any guests the couple is unsure of, such as divorced women and women with hyphenated last names, so you may want to make a note of everyone's status before you start writing out those wedding invitations.
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Aly Walansky is a NY-based lifestyles writer who focuses on health, wellness, and relationships. Her work appears in dozens of digital and print publications regularly. Visit her on Twitter or email her.
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Congrats on the engagement! Wedding planning is an exciting time and sending invitations is one of the steps to take before the whole wedding event begins. There are many proper etiquettes to follow for wedding invitations and understanding how to properly address a person’s title or name is important, but addressing a wedding invitation to a widow can be quite challenging. Although there are no correct or legal ways to address a widow, it is best to try to figure out what’s the proper title and name to use respectfully while not offending her or triggering sadness. For more ideas on planning a wedding or staying organized, check out our wedding expense sheet and task list.
Writing a Wedding Invitation to a Widow
Consider the following suggestions before writing a wedding invitation to a widow:
1. Ask the Widow
If you are close to the widow, don’t be afraid to call and ask the widow over the phone to see which title and name to use. This is the best way to find out directly from the person you plan on inviting with respect. If anything, she’d appreciate that you asked and that you’re considering inviting her over to your wedding! Her title can be a sensitive topic, but you are helping her be more comfortable at your wedding.
Keep in mind that calling to ask has to be the right timing and it may not be a good idea to ask right away if her husband recently died. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to the widow about this or aren’t close to her, think about why you are deciding to invite her and why you plan to include her as one of your guests.
2. Use the Widow’s Full Name
It never hurts to use the widow’s full name and title as “Mrs.” before her husband was deceased if you are unsure. It’s always a safe bet to use her entire name as to how it was before, as it shows respect to her and her late husband. Another option is to use “Ms.” and write the widow’s entire full name with her first and last name.
If the widow never changed her last name to her spouse's last name before and kept her maiden name, you can address the widow with the name she has always been using. If this is the case, address her by her first name and maiden name with either the title "Mrs." or "Ms.", for whichever she prefers you to use, or go with "Mrs." to be safe if you have any uncertainty.
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3. When in Doubt - Use “Mrs.”
Traditionally, “Mrs.” is the most preferred way to address a widow. It is also more common to go with "Mrs.," since a woman is more likely to keep her married name when she becomes a widow. A woman becomes a widow when her husband passes away, but she is still referred to as “Mrs.,” with her husband’s last name. Although a widow may have lost her husband, that doesn’t mean she loses her title or drops her husband’s last name completely. Depending on if the widow has been remarried or other circumstances, it’s ultimately up to the widow what she decides to do, so make sure to check in and see what she prefers.
4. Consider Using “Ms.”
Addressing the title with “Ms.” can be used as an alternative for a widow. It could be a long time since she lost her spouse and might have decided to change her last name to her maiden name instead. Since you are not sure of the widow’s marital status, “Ms.” is a neutral title to use for any woman. However, "Ms." could also be referred to as a woman who is divorced, which may not be appropriate for a widow. Do avoid using “Miss” as that is a title that is not as appropriate for someone who is older than 30 and has been married before.
5. Depends on Who’s Sending the Mail
The widow may have a preference on her title and name, but that may depend on who this invitation is coming from and your relationship with the widow. If this wedding invitation is coming from someone who knew the widow’s husband, the widow could prefer to use Mrs., but otherwise, if you don’t know the widow’s husband, her preference could be Ms. instead. This all depends on the widow’s preference and you might not know until you ask!
6. If the Widow Has Children
If you plan on inviting a widow and her children, be sure to address the widow as her with Mrs. and her husband’s last name, or the same name she had when she before she became a widow after she became married. This is if her children do not have two last names and only take their last name as the widow’s husband’s last name.
7. Writing Informally
On the envelope or the wedding invitation, if you do not need to address the widow by using a prefix, you can avoid doing so with informal writing instead. Her name and title could also depend on whether or not she is currently dating. It is possible to just use her first and last name, without having to figure out the prefix.
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8. Use your best judgment
Lastly, use your best judgment to the best of your ability when you think through this on how to address a widow in your wedding invitation. Think over what you choose to do before you send that invitation and keep in mind if you were in the widow’s shoes, what would you prefer?
Conclusion
When writing out a wedding invitation to a widow, don’t assume what the widow wants to be called or addressed. Whether you're sending out a wedding invitation, a sympathy card, or helping a grieving person, it is important to address a widow properly. Just like each person may have a name preference, widows may have a preference as well. If you are unsure, directly ask the widow to find out how they want to be addressed.
They will be understanding that it is difficult to address a widow and will appreciate you taking the time to address her properly. Some widows may prefer to be addressed with the title Ms. or Miss instead of Mrs., but if anything, use your best judgment and think before you send over a wedding invitation.
Written by Stephanie Tse